On Identity: Who Am I Today?

By Harumi Naito

I’ve had a lot of time to think this year and with that, I’ve pondered my existence, purpose, and identity. It’s some heavy stuff, but with everything that’s happened this year, I know I’m not the only one thinking, wondering, and questioning reality. Like many others, I faced some difficulties this year. I was temporarily unemployed and my moving plans fell through. Anxieties about saving up for my master’s program, handling rent, and the safety of people I cared about skyrocketed. I reached my breaking point several times. I cried and screamed, felt painfully lonely and scared, attempted to disguise myself everyday as a functioning adult… With all of these reactions, I wondered what my behaviors said about me and my identity. And further, I questioned what defined identity.  

Does identity simply mean personality traits and preferences? Is it an accumulation of our entire life’s experiences? Our names, occupations, ages, races/ethnicities play a huge role in our identities. The conclusion I came to was that identity is a vast, yet specific definition of who we are.

So, who was the person staring back at me in the mirror? There have been times of enlightenment when I felt as though I fully knew myself and then others moments from this year that told me otherwise. I’m Harumi and I’m an instructor. That’s me, right? I was an instructor, until I wasn’t. Suddenly my purpose faltered and all I was, was a tiny ant surviving in this gigantic, expanding universe. I was a nobody.

But in major contrast, I’ve also had moments where I glanced in the mirror and I was speechless at the fact that this body is mine and that I’m a real person. I am a living, breathing, existing being. Maybe that’s an incredible feat on its own.  

When the shelter-in-place order was placed back in March, my life changed drastically. As many of my readers know, I began working on my blog during the early stages of quarantine and it was writing that motivated me to get up in the mornings. It made me excited to be alive during a time when I was battling anxiety and deteriorating mental health. While being temporarily unemployed, my identity was engulfed in my blog. Once it became clear that I was considered an essential worker, I returned to work for limited hours. I was an instructor again.

Summer arrived and I enrolled in an accelerated program at a local college (a pre-requisite for my master’s program). Suddenly, I took on the role of a student on top of being an instructor and a blogger. I was really taking the “work now, play later” motto seriously. However, balancing all of these responsibilities wore me down and by the end of the semester, I was at my breaking point. I was burning the wick at both ends. 

I felt as if my identity was a blur because I was buried in all of my responsibilities.

When I finally got a moment to catch my breath, I realized that being busy does not mean a loss of identity. I am and have always been a hard worker, blindly ambitious, spread thin like butter on toast, and an overthinker. That is me. That is a major piece of my identity.

I don’t believe that I’m the only one playing this lost and found game this year. With the events that we’ve had to live through, it is amazing how far we’ve traveled. And although we still have a long way to go, our ever-evolving identities will reflect the experiences and paths we’ve taken and who we are now.

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