O.C.D. (I do things in 3’s, I do things in 3’s, I do things in 3’s)
By Chrisscribe
This is by far the hardest blog post I’ve ever decided to write because it means having to be open and honest with people I don’t know and of those I do know, the possibility of their perception about me changing.
I think it’s safe to say that nearly everyone these days, knows about the different types of mental health conditions and they probably know at least one person who suffers with a mental health issue. However, I think it’s safe to say that people never really truly understand unless they’ve experienced it themselves.
I think the most common type of mental health condition people “empathise” with is: Depression. A lot of people experience depression (be it in it’s mildest form), at least once in their lifetime, if only for a few hours one morning, or after a loss, etc.
There are also many other types of mental health conditions. However, a fair amount of people don’t want to talk about them through fear of being deemed: “crazy”, “disturbed” or “borderline psycho”, as well as being seen and treated differently; never mind admitting you suffer from a mental health issue yourself!
So here I go, admitting to having a mental health issue. Mine, I’d say, is less talked about or written about, (from most of the blogs and papers I’ve read) and although it is quite common, it’s one that’s usually taken the mick out of.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or as it’s most commonly referred to: OCD.
Yes, it is real and yes it can be extremely difficult to deal with; especially during stressful periods.
I’ll go back to when I first realised there was something different about me…
I remember being at school in Year 6 and these two women came into our class one day. Our teacher introduced them as, “Psychologists from The London Metropolitan University”. They had come to do some research, which involved us filling out a questionnaire. (Our parents had already been informed and had given their permission so it was “okay” to go ahead). They had told us that the questionnaire was about the transition into teenage-hood. (On reflection that seemed to be a bit of a cover up, I guess).
I remember specifically and very vividly the part of the questionnaire which made me stop, look around the room and freeze in answering.
The question read:
“Do you have to do something a number of times because you feel something bad may happen?”
… It freaked me out. I then looked at the next question:
“Is this number specific, if so what is it?”
Which freaked me out even more.
I DID have to do specific things a number of times and yes it WAS a specific number! Even 11 year old me thought it was weird when I did so. Having to close cupboard doors 7 times before it ‘felt right’ and wanting this fear, of someone dying if I didn’t do it, to go. I genuinely thought I was the only person experiencing this. I was shocked that they knew. Not once did I think it could be a problem other people had too or that it was even a condition. Even at the time. I felt like an alien.
I answered the questions honestly: “Yes” and “7” and then finished the questionnaire feeling extremely vulnerable.
I thought that was the end of the questionnaires but it wasn’t. They asked the parents of a few of us from my class, including me, to do follow up questionnaires, which they came to my house to do with me. These questionnaires went on for a number of weeks and the questions were mainly finding out about me as a person, from my environment to how I was feeling and thinking. Eventually it was just myself and two boys from my class who finished it. I didn’t think I had ‘special needs’ or that I was ‘mentally unwell’ but at the time I did feel special. I was one of the chosen few who were getting vouchers for completing it.
I’ve asked my mum what they told her about the results, because I remember them coming round to debrief us about their research once it ended, but she cannot remember and neither can I. The only thing she remembers is me saying I had to do things several times.
Over the years my ‘specific’ number went from ‘7’ to ‘3’ and I only really needed to do things three times during KS3 SATs, my GCSEs and, on reflection, other times which were clearly very stressful times for me.
In some ways, the counting is a coping mechanism. Although the times when I do it, it doesn’t feel that way. In fact it becomes more stressful, especially when I can’t do what I ‘need’ to do 3 times!
It wasn’t until I studied Psychology at A level that I realised what my condition was, what they called it and the “symptoms” it had; all of which I could identify with and were extremely accurate. (Perhaps some of the research I was reading was from my own answers to the questions I had done 6 years prior to that, who knows?!). So I know it was definitely a “Bottom-Up” approach, for any Psychologists out there!
I found it strange, extremely strange, and although some part of me was glad that it was a condition and I wasn’t a “freak” or alone with it, I also didn’t like being labelled or put into a box. A “mental health” box. I sure as hell didn’t want people to look and treat me differently because in their mind there was, “something wrong with me”.
I didn’t want it to define me or subscribe to it because it was just a part of me. A part that only came out when I was stressed.
I was thinking about this last night. I said in some ways, doing things a number of times was a coping mechanism for dealing with stress. Now I think about it, it is mainly associated with ‘change’ or ‘loss’ – basically something you cannot control, or even better, prevent from happening.
To describe it: it feels as though rewinding part of a film back to a specific point 5 times,. It makes you feel as though you are in control and prevents that, “irrational/false sense of fear” you have of something bad happening, from actually happening, thus creating a real sense of relief. That’s probably the best way to explain it.
So yeah that’s basically the story. One thing I haven’t done is conducted proper research into it. Besides studying it at A level (we didn’t cover it during my degree in Psych), I haven’t really gone into depth about it. During my A levels, I didn’t really take too much of it in. In some ways, I felt as though it was like someone trying to tell you about yourself who doesn’t know you (especially when they don’t know everything specific to you). I don’t believe anyone really likes that, and at the time I had a real problem with that and so didn’t retain much of the information. But my notes are still there.
I wish I could end on some thoughtful point, like at the end of Jerry Springer, but sadly I don’t have one, SORRY! I’ve admitted to the condition, hopefully added to the awareness of it but I am still in the process of learning about it myself.
The only thing I will reiterate is that OCD is:
Very difficult to manage especially during stressful periods, such as: change or loss.
It ranges in severity from person to person.
If you’ve seen the film, The Aviator with Leonardo DiCaprio (BAE!) then I’d say that his OCD is when it’s most extreme. Flicking the light switch on and off four times to ‘feel’ as though you are preventing something something from bad happening, as “mad” as it sounds, is very real to some people and the thought of what could happen if it isn’t switched back off on the 4th time, doesn’t even bear thinking about….
If you have any questions feel free to ask me xxx
For more of Chrisscribe’s moving and motivating work check out her website by clicking the image below!
