By A.M. Willoughby

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I grew up in a Christian home, and faith has been a part of my life since before I can remember. One of the words that you hear a lot in Christian circles is repentance. The word repent is found in both the Old and New Testaments, but the first verse that comes to my mind when I think about repenting is Acts 2:38.

"Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.”

I can remember hearing many sermons on the concept of repentance. The explanation that I have always heard is that to repent means to make a 180° turn. You are heading in the direction of sin, and when you repent, you are supposed to turn in the opposite direction. Turn away from the sin or temptation and turn back to God.

I understood the concept of repentance on an intellectual level. I understood that I was supposed to turn away from my sin. But I did not act that out in my life. Maybe I have successfully repented a few times, but the truth is that I have always struggled with this concept. Instead, I tried to use my own willpower to make sure that I did not disappoint God with my actions. But that is not the same as genuine repentance.

God has been working in my heart over the past few months to help me to really understand repentance on a new level. And he chose a topic, and sin, that I would have never seen coming: Racism.

A Broken Heart

Like many other well-meaning white people, I have never intentionally acted in a racist manner. I have said time and time again that I am “not racist.” I have even tried to point out injustices in our society that disproportionately affect people of color.

When George Floyd was murdered, I found myself asking what I had done to prevent his death, or the death of Ahmaud Arbery, or Breonna Taylor (who has still not received justice). I realized that my answer was simply “not enough.”

We have all heard of situations like this for years. We all know the names of Trayvon Martin, Philando Castille, and Emmit Till. I knew that things like this were happening, and yet I did nothing to stop it. I wrestled with it in my heart, and I was overwhelmed by a sense of conviction. As far as I am concerned, I am no better than the three cops who stood by and watched as George Floyd begged for mercy. They did not do anything to prevent his death, and neither did I.

So, I started a journey of repentance. Over the past few months, I attended my first-ever protest, started an antiracist book club, donated to organizations fighting for change, intentionally supported black-owned businesses, and had complex conversations with friends and family members.

For many years, I used the excuse of not knowing what I could do to make a difference. If you are looking for a way to understand racism and do something about it, these actions are a good start. But they are still not enough.

I am still learning and challenging myself and growing. Racism is a double-edged sword, with discriminatory policies on one side, and discriminatory beliefs on the other. Discriminatory policies include issues like maximum sentencing and prison labor. Discriminatory biases are our internalized beliefs that include things like how white people are considered the standard American, while every other race has to hyphenate. Another example is the belief that natural African hair is unprofessional.

I am consciously trying to address the beliefs and biases that I have held for a long time, but I am also working to find ways that I can help create policy change. Addressing my internal biases is vital, but it does not change society as a whole.

I have learned a lot about repentance on this journey. First of all, repentance starts with recognizing that there is an issue. I had to admit to myself that I have done and said racist things, often without realizing what I was doing. I had to confess those things to God, and I had to stop making excuses.

I have to admit that I have used my black nephews as a “get out jail free card.” I remembered joking with a black student about him, “acting like a thug.” I told myself that I would use the same word with a white student, but it wasn’t a white student. I have laughed at racist “jokes” and stayed silent in situations where I should have spoken up.

My actions were not intentional, but they were harmful, nonetheless. My lack of action in other situations was even harder to acknowledge. It is still hard for me to admit these things because I am ashamed of how ignorant and self-centered I was.

That is the first thing that I learned about repentance. In order to truly repent, you have to experience brokenness over your actions. Sin breaks God’s heart, and it should break ours, too. Racism breaks God’s heart because He created all people in his image. Every time we belittle or judge or harm another human, or allow those things to happen, we are dishonoring God’s image. I have broken God’s heart when I have clutched my purse tighter as I pass a black man on the street.

There is a difference between a genuinely contrite heart and feeling bad about something because you got caught or because you experienced the consequences of your sin. If your repentance is based on trying to please God or trying to convince him to forgive, you are not actually repenting. True repentance starts with an authentic confession, no excuses, and an understanding of why sin is harmful. You cannot turn from sin if you are looking over your shoulder to go back to it.

Intentional Self-reflection

But confession and repentance are not the same things. If you confess your sins but continue participating in them, you have not repented. It is hard to stop something that you did not realize that you were doing in the first place.

That is why I have been reading books and watching movies and participating in discussions about racism. I was passively contributing to a racist society without even knowing it. When I used the word “thug” with a black student, I did not know that it had racial connotations. But my lack of knowledge did not change how my words impacted that student.

So, after I confessed my sins, I knew I needed to learn more so that I could recognize my own racial beliefs. I had used ignorance as an excuse for too long, so I had to be intentional about educating myself. It is not easy to shine a light on your own sin, and it is not comfortable, but it is necessary.

For me, it has been like pulling the end of a knitted scarf. Once I pulled that one thread, the entire thing has unraveled. I have found more and more of my own sinful and racist beliefs with every stitch that comes undone, and I have started recognizing the discriminatory policies that have created the society that we are currently in, such as the three-strikes rule and felony disenfranchisement.

The more that you examine and reflect on your own sin, whether it is racism or any other sin, you will begin to see those more profound levels. I realized that I was letting racism continue because it did not affect me, so selfishness was at the heart of my inactions. If you are struggling with the sin of gossip, you may find that the root is insecurity. The root cause of anger and violence is often unresolved pain.

Once you begin to see your sin the way God sees it, you will find that it is a lot easier to avoid that sin. God wants us to avoid sin because He knows it brings consequences, shame, pain, and eventually death. When you understand the effects of your sin, it will no longer have as much power over you. Only then can you truly turn away from your sin.

I am working on becoming an antiracist because I want to stand up for my fellow humans, whether I have experienced their pain or not. I do not challenge myself or speak up or attend protests because I would feel guilty if I did not. I do not do it because I am trying to be a social justice warrior. I do it because I believe that racism is a sin that separates humanity from the love of God and from loving each other.

Antiracism is an act of repentance, but it is also a move of God.

You can only change your actions when you truly understand their effects. It takes intense self-reflection to genuinely understand your sin, why you continue to seek that sin, and how that sin affects the heart of God and his kingdom.

Consistent Action

Once you have reflected on sin, you can start taking steps away from it and back to the heart of Jesus. The good news is that Jesus is always there to walk the journey with you, but it will not be easy. Even after you have confessed with a contrite heart and reflected on the depth of your sin, you will still feel the pull of temptation. True repentance requires consistent action to fight those temptations over and over again.

Sometimes, you need to remove yourself from a situation that is causing you to fall into sin. If you realize that you gossip around certain people more than others, you may need to distance yourself from those people. If you know that certain movies cause you to think lustful or violent thoughts, you may need to stop watching those movies for a while.

As I have grown up and matured, I have gotten better at recognizing situations that have a negative impact on my mental health, or situations that bring out the worst of me. I am getting better at removing myself from those situations.

However, for me, racism is a passive sin. It is a sin of ignorance and inaction. So, in order to confront the sin of racism in my life, I have to take action. I have to put myself in certain situations instead of removing myself from them. Here are some of the ways that I am actively seeking out antiracist circumstances:

I have built a group of women who hold me accountable and challenge me every week. We have a book club that focuses on antiracist literature, so each week, we are listening to Black perspectives, challenging our own biases, and examining in our lives. But beyond just reading a book and talking about it, we also challenge each other to find ways to take action that will address racist policies.

As a result of those conversations, women in our group have begun text-banking to help people register to vote. I signed up to be a poll worker on election day because access to voting is one of the most important ways to institute policy change. Other women in our group have contacted their state representatives in Congress to register their support of antiracist bills. The teachers in our group are incorporating antiracist literature and practices into their classrooms. Some of us are simply talking to people that we have avoided in the past. These are all concrete actions, but they only occur because we hold each other accountable. which I can only do because I have privilege as a white person.

I have messed it up, but I do not let that stop me from trying to do better next time. I do not let my failures stop me from continuing on this journey. Antiracism requires consistency and intentional effort. So does repentance.

The Invitation

I am grateful for how God has worked in my heart over the past few months to help me repent of the sin of racism, but also to help me understand repentance in a new way. Repentance is that 180° turn that I always heard about when I was growing up, but it is more complex than simply turning around.

Genuine repentance starts with a heart that is broken by the effects of sin. It requires intense self-reflection and consistent action. Repentance is a daily battle to choose God’s heart over your own and to choose other people’s well-being over your ignorance.

Sin is painful, and so is the shame that comes with it. When I think about other times that I have tried to repent, I think about all of the mental battles that I went through. It often started with trying to justify my sin, make excuses, or tell myself that it really was not that bad. But then I would feel intense guilt and shame when I fell into sin again.

This journey toward antiracism and this journey of repentance has been different. I have been broken my own sin, but there is freedom and joy and strength in the possibility of choosing to change my actions. There is hope in actively working toward a future that is more equitable for everyone. I have experienced grace in a new and profound way. True repentance is not easy, but it is beautiful. The journey toward becoming an antiracist is challenging, but it is essential.

So, I invite you to come on this journey with me. I invite you to explore true repentance and to challenge yourself to understand repentance in a new way. No matter what sin you are struggling with, you can find freedom and grace through repentance.

I also invite you to become an antiracist with me. I believe that God is calling his Church to the forefront of the antiracist movement. Unfortunately, the Church is one area where racism has been prevalent, and I believe that God’s heart is broken over it. But God chooses to work in the world through his disciples. So, it is up to us to repent of the sin of racism and work toward a future where all people are loved and accepted.

Repentance is a journey, and you will not get it right all the time. I invite you to take the first step today. The good news is that you will not be alone on this journey. When we repent and turn back to God, He walks with us and guides us away from sin and toward his grace.

Here are some resources that can help you if you are just beginning the journey toward antiracism. Feel free to use the comments section to start a healthy dialogue about racism and repentance.

Check out Ashley’s wonderful website and thought provoking “Confronting Complexity” blog by clicking the image below!