Love > Fear
By Kirsten Johnson
Today is a day unlike most have experienced. Quarantined inside home. Using gloves and masks, fearful of what might be lurking on surfaces and shuddering upon hearing a distant cough. For me, it’s a bit more familiar. During my 18 months of chemotherapy, radiation, surgeries and infections, those fear-fueled precautions became commonplace. Wearing a mask to tie the shoes of my sniffling toddler. Sanitizing my hands until they would crack and bleed.
The ultimate fear, of course, was death. Would I see my daughter turn three? Would I make it to her Kindergarten graduation? Of course, I won’t. Not because of breast cancer, but because of Covid-19. Because of this new and somewhat mysterious virus, my turkey will be catapulted into the first grade, which hopefully will start on time in the fall. I was able to contain my newfound germaphobia post cancer, but now I can’t help but impress upon her to keep her hands to herself and wash them again. And again. And again.
But what thoughts and actions are born from caution or precaution and which are born from fear? Is there a difference and does it really matter? I would talk to friends during cancer treatment who would inevitably be talking about an annoying boss, aching back, or frustrating interaction with their partner. Then they would say, “I’m sorry -- I know what you’re going through is so much worse.” Was it though? As Nora McInerny, the host of Terrible, Thanks for Asking -- one of my favorite podcasts -- says, this isn’t the bummer Olympics.
I had no less interest or compassion for what my peers had to say because I was bald, weak and 115 pounds. They were perfectly justified in their feelings regardless of the state I was in. Two years later, I may be through chemo but will always be “in treatment.” Surviving, not a survivor. The medical bills continue to pile up, but I live a pretty normal life of a healthy person. Some of my “cancer friends” haven’t been so lucky. For a couple, the cancer has spread to other parts of their body, designating them terminally ill. One friend lost her fight in July. So how much should I really be complaining about those bills?
I picked myself up and dusted myself off post-cancer and post-divorce and was finally on a roll with my business again by last summer. Now, thanks to COVID-19 ripping through Detroit and the world, I sit unemployed and paycheck-free like so many. I’m picking and choosing which bills to pay and hoping for some help and relief. So much of this situation is out of my control. But then that’s something I’ve had to become more comfortable with over the years.
What can I control? The fact that I get true quality time to spend with my magical creature of a daughter, who can light up my world and get on my last nerve all in under five minutes. I get to sit on the floor for hours coloring and making lists of all the things we want and need to do today. We have time to make cookies together and do all kinds of things being a cancer patient and a single harried mom hasn’t allowed me to do. The things I used to think defined motherhood. It’s like the Universe put us all in time out and told us to prioritize what’s important in life.
But what is important in life? And what if we don’t have the time to step back and look at that right now? Some of my friends and family are still receiving paychecks, but work long hours shrouded in guilt that their children are getting “too much” screen time. Others may sit comfortably financially, but are bored, feel useless and struggle mentally and emotionally. And yet others are full of anger, frustrated with politicians and feeling as though their personal freedoms have been stripped away. And we can’t forget those caring for the sick, picking up our trash and delivering our mail who continue to do their jobs at the risk of their health and that of their families’.
An individual’s biggest struggle on any given day is just that -- their biggest struggle. It’s not for anyone else to judge whether it should be or whether their feelings are justified. All we can do is stay present and make a choice each day to lead with love and compassion and set aside fear and judgment as best we can. Nobody is greater or less than. If we let love guide our choices, thoughts and words, we can all get through whatever that biggest struggle might be today and for all the todays yet to come.