Lessons Learned from Fourteen Years
The day was a gorgeous bright blue explosion of love, and September summer heat. Our families and friends gave so freely of their time and talents to help us set up and decorate every little adorable detail. The sweltering afternoon turned into a cool star lit evening and we ate, drank and danced. My beautiful new best buddy bride lit my heart and my life on fire, and thankfully things were never going to be the same.
Recently my wife and I celebrated our 14 year wedding anniversary, and initially I didn’t think that I was going to write about it. Not entirely sure why, maybe too personal, or too sappy, but it didn’t seem like something I wanted to do. But as I thought more about it and its massive impact and significance in my life, it became clear that it was exactly what I wanted. As long as I don’t act like some sort of expert, why not share some of the things that I have learned along the way? In that light and spirit let us begin.
In a relationship you are either looking for a way in or a way out. There is no in-between. Some times we are unsure which way we are looking, and sometimes we are trying to convince ourselves which way, but it is ultimately that simple. If both people want the relationship to work, come what may, it will.
When we fight no one wins. I am so grateful my Grandfather helped me with this early on in my marriage. The idea of “winning” a fight is not only juvenile and impossible, but also very dangerous. What is won? If you win a fight but lose your relationship what is gained? Boy George had it right: “I want a lover not a rival.”
Avoid the appearance of evil. This is another real gem from my late Grandfather. If we really love the person we are with then we should not only avoid the obvious problems that all relationships face, we should even avoid anything that could look like trouble as well. This means never putting myself in a situation where my wife may misinterpret or wonder what is happening, even if it is innocent in nature. It is unloving and unkind to leave room for doubt, or to allow a loved one to worry.
4. It is about “we” not “me”. When we got married we told the world to no longer see us as two separate individuals, but as one. It is still my job to look at myself and deal with my own emotions and traumas, just like it was before, but now it is in a whole new context and understanding of being apart of something greater than myself. We are a team.
5. Basic kindness and consideration go a long way. No relationship is beyond simple acts of love and compassion. Sometimes our lives can get so stressful and chaotic that we forget to show the ones we care for the most how we feel. It is unfortunately all too common for people to slowly take each other for granted and unknowingly withhold tenderness. We all want to be shown love and that in its most basic form is acknowledgment and attention. Taking the time to be with someone is not about flowers and presents, but about eye contact and being emotionally available. Listen to what it is they’re saying and find a way to show them how important it is to you too.
Again, I am no expert but these bits of advice have proven to be invaluable for me and my marriage and I hope they help you as well.