Scaredy Pants
It was unavoidable. What started as a spontaneous suggestion was now in full motion, and stopping it would reveal that I was a total scaredy pants. Made a note to myself that being afraid of heights and taking a date to an amusement park was not the smartest idea, but that, unfortunately, would not help me get out of the horrifying 10-story freefall ride that I had smilingly agreed to, all while my insides were about to burst.
A fear of high places and suddenly falling from them is something that I have dealt with my whole life. Most days I would be great and not think about it, but the fear would make occasional and almost comical appearances, like on an observation deck, or a high rise condo balcony. My mind would know that I was fine and that there was no reason to be afraid, but everything else told me to panic.
It was all quite cute, quaint and rational, until I inexplicably became terrified to fly. That’s when what was a silly and inconvenient character flaw, became a much bigger issue. It is also when I started to understand the progressive nature of fear, and that it was up to me to confront it, or lose more of myself to it.
Fear is a fire that can spread quickly through the dangerously dry hillsides of our minds if we let it. We have all seen the people with more toilet paper than they have heinies to wipe, or now meat is the fear du jour, and the impact it has on everyone around them. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy that wants to lead us away from all decency and basic kindness, which is the real currency that all humanity depends on, and replace it with division, offense, and contempt for each other.
When I was a baby, whenever I was afraid, I would cry out and hope my parents were around to nurture and protect me. As I grew older I realized, like in the amusement park on that date, dealing with my fear like a child was no longer a socially respectable option. So I learned the art of feeling one way, and presenting myself as feeling another, also known as “growing up.” Instead of wrinkling up my face and letting tears fly when frightened, I would try to deny my feelings entirely, and quietly get increasingly uncomfortable and hostile, until at some small slight I would explode into a misplaced fit of rage that made no sense in the context of the moment. My anger was directed at the entire accumulation of fears and not the one isolated incident. Fear had turned my thoughts and feelings against me, and I believed the avoiding of them was my only hope at peace.
Thankfully, fear is an emotional bully and, like all bullies, does not like to be confidently confronted. When I was able to be honest with myself and look sadness in the eye, the most miraculous thing happened -- it blinked first! Showing me that if I can find a way to acknowledge and face my fears, then I have a chance to move beyond them. It is a process that I repeat, like mental or spiritual showering. Knowing that my desire to learn from fear, in a Loving way, removes its sting and turns my sadness and anxiety into opportunities to look within and take more steps toward heavenly wholeness.